What began as a simple request to stop a monthly debit order became a multi-year journey through call centres, retention departments and personal transformation.
The first phone call
A South African man who attempted to cancel his gym membership on Monday is reported to have aged visibly before the process could be completed.
He began the call at 09:00 with a full head of dark hair and a reasonable belief that the words ‘I would like to cancel’ would be legally and grammatically sufficient.
By 09:47, he had been transferred six times, listened to three motivational playlists and confirmed his identity using information from an address where he last lived as a student.
The cancellation department
The gym explained that cancellations could not be processed by telephone, email, app, website or in person. Members were required to submit a handwritten form at the original branch between 09:07 and 09:12 on alternate Wednesdays.
The original branch closed four years ago.
A retention consultant then offered him two free smoothie vouchers, a reduced towel fee and access to a branch 83 kilometres away. When he declined, she asked whether he was truly committed to his wellness journey.
A breakthrough, of sorts
After several months, he received an email confirming that his cancellation request had been received and would now enter the pre-assessment phase.
Friends say he celebrated too early. The following morning, another debit order came off his account under the description ‘MEMBERSHIP TRANSITION SUPPORT.’
The man has since abandoned the cancellation and returned to the gym. He does not exercise, but uses the Wi-Fi to continue corresponding with the accounts department.
